What’s the opposite of commitment issues?
As in...when it’s too hard to let go.
Has anyone else felt irrationally attached to an abstract thing? Not a person, but a literal thing. A really ugly sweater you can’t seem to get rid of, a romanticized play-by-play of a night out, or more seriously – obsessing over an end goal of what needs to be true for your future life? Ideas that, sometimes, you can’t seem to fully let go. Simply put: a total impedance in trusting that the universe will do its thing.
I find myself doing this a lot, and I thought this was unique to me, but then I realized that I am a human (whoa!), and humans become really uncomfortable when things are ill-defined. Our species hates ambiguity so much that we invented language, currency and identity to make ourselves feel better. Uncertainty is destabilizing, and we grasp at any opportunity to create structural frameworks that will help us better understand the absurdity. But, in the grand scheme of all that is life, nothing goes to plan. Nonetheless, for a concept that feels so damn obvious, every time something goes awry, we never fail to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us.
As a certified lover girl, with a high-tolerance for bullshit and a plenitude of patience, I find myself often getting caught in a vicious cycle, waiting for the plan to “get back on track”. Relationships with ex-lovers (and otherwise), where far too much energy was spent setting expectations for another person’s behavior, hoping that it would somehow fit the mental model that I had fabricated in my head, like a misplaced puzzle piece, with its folded tab waiting to break off. Or, through sleepless nights, of hoping I’d get into a graduate program, refusing to accept any alternate reality. I continued to obsess over the specific circumstances that I had mapped out in my head, praying that they would unfold exactly as I had envisioned. At a certain point, I realized that I probably should have let go, long before the waiting game began, and saved myself from the anguish of forcing an already-broken puzzle piece into space it just won’t fit.
With time came the discovery that letting go involves cultivating radical acceptance. Along with it, came constant reminders that anything can happen, at any time. Because anything can happen. Spilling coffee on a white shirt? Possible. Divorce? Possible. Losing a job? Possible. Death? I wish this was a possibility, but it’s actually a certainty – it’s just a matter of time.
Without sparking existential discourse, the important thing to note is that the key to surviving everything that we can survive, is resilience. We build resilience when we bounce back in the face of adversity, which will inevitably show up throughout our life’s experiences. By honing in on our strengths rather than our weaknesses, we can develop the internal grit that pushes us forward and sets us free from our own self-pity. Resilience goes hard. Not only does it make the shitty parts of life easier to cope with, but research shows that being resilient can help protect us from physical illness.
Amongst my favorite dead white guys is Carl Jung, who talks about the importance of strong personal relationships as one of the five pillars to living a good life. Through intimacy, we can foster individual growth, and part of that growth involves building resilience. “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”, he said. Besides the usefulness of developing this skill for ourselves, being resilient can have a ripple effect on our surrounding circle. People who love you love seeing you happy, and I bet your bottom dollar that the reverse is true, too. The positive energy exchange that happens in meaningful relationships empowers us with the strength and motivation to just keep swimming.
In Farsi, there’s a word – khair – that is often used to greet people (sob bekhair – good morning, shab bekhair – good night), but its meaning in isolation translates to goodwill. To let go, is to trust that whatever happens is in goodwill – khair. Maybe, as humans, that’s something we should be routinely reminded of. If you’ve gotten this far, I hope this serves as yours.
Cover art by Bahar Sabzevari